Sometimes I don’t even know what to think of my life anymore. It’s so busy, emotional, frustrating, and confusing that half the time I wonder if I’m really the one living it. Sometimes I wonder if it’s all just another book I’ve been reading.
Spiritually I’m seriously struggling. I’m having so many issues with our church right now that I can honestly say I no longer worship when I’m there. There’s just too much of a barrier between me and God when I step in that building. So much resentment, frustration, and hurt that my soul just shuts itself off. My heart is so very torn right now. I’m on the brink of tears any time I think about it. I honestly want to leave. Sometimes I feel like that would be running from my problems, but then I remember that we’ve been trying to solve these problems for so long that I’m beginning to lose hope. I would leave in a heartbeat if I had my husband’s support. But he’s still firmly standing behind this church, even in the midst of all the frustration we both feel. So until he’s ready to leave, I have to support him. Even if that means I’m in a spiritual wasteland.
I’ve hit that point in the semester when it seems there’s a test, or a paper, or a presentation due every day. Seriously, ALL I do anymore is schoolwork. I hate that professors feel they need to cram everything into the last month. Ugh. But even in the midst of all the papers and tests, I KNOW that I’m supposed to be a teacher. It’s beginning to become a passion, and I’m not even teaching yet. I love it already.
All in all, despite the busyness, we’ve had a very productive weekend. And that makes me feel good. Rita and I did a LOT of yardwork this weekend. I now officially have a usable deck! And I LOVE it out there!