I Knew This Would Happen

But I never expected the intensity of it.

I’m not graduating on time.  Craig, my parents, and I have talked it to death and there’s just no way it’s going to happen.  It wouldn’t be good for me, Craig, or Nathan to have me trying to balance a home, a baby, and an overloaded schedule.  And so I will either be graduating the following December or May, depending on what CSU lets me do.

But I’m at the point now where I don’t even want to finish.  I just want to quit and be a stay-at-home mom like my mom was.  I had my first nervous breakdown since I’ve been pregnant today.  There’s so much going on this semester: I still haven’t finished my practicum hours, I have at least five projects due before school’s out (including TWO unit plans), I’m always exhausted, my house is a wreck (inside and out), and all I can focus on is little Nathan.  I don’t even want to think about school.  Poor Craig got an email today saying I’m one bad situation away from dropping out.  And I’m totally serious.

I know this really isn’t possible.  To quit now would be throwing away literally years of hard work.  But it’s hard to make myself focus on it when I know that all I really want to do is stay home with Nathan.  I don’t even want to teach right away because I don’t want to miss those special moments with him.  At the moment, I’m not even sure I really want to teach.  This semester has brought my first bad practicum experience.  The kids are wild, rude, and get under my skin.  The teacher has no classroom management at all, so they run all over her.  She’s very unorganized, and while she’s a great teacher, nobody can tell because she’s always so stressed.  And this situation has me scared to death.  I leave her class at the end of the day no longer wanting to teach.  I know I won’t be that kind of teacher because I’m extremely organized when it comes to teaching and I’m always prepared.  But still.  There’s so much work involved – especially the first two years.  My professor told us last night that during your first two years teaching you spend more time at school or doing schoolwork than you spend with your family.  I don’t want that.  Especially not if I start teaching before Nathan’s in school.

It all leaves me very overwhelmed and sad.  Overwhelmed because I have to finish and finishing is going to require more work than I want to juggle right now.  And sad because there’s no way around it.

Craig and I talked at one point during our marriage counselling about whether I’d go back to school after we got married.  The answer was an easy “yes”.  It made sense then – it was something to keep me busy while he was at work and it was a “back-up plan” in case we had trouble conceiving. Which we did, and school provided a great distraction.  But all I want to do is be a mommy and it seems silly to finish school when I already have my dream.  I eventually want to teach – but not until after our kids are all in school.  But once I graduate I know I’ll have to immediately go into teaching to get that experience or nobody will hire me later in life.  I hate this.

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